It hath been laid down in the Bayán that marriage is dependent upon the consent of both parties. Desiring to establish love, unity and harmony amidst Our servants, We have conditioned it, once the couple’s wish is known, upon the permission of their parents, lest enmity and rancor should arise amongst them. And in this We have yet other purposes. Thus hath Our commandment been ordained.
Grieve thou not, and sorrow not. Place thy whole trust in God, and hold fast unto the hem of the Almighty. God be praised, thus far hath it been well, and so shall it be again. Verily, thy Lord is the Gracious, the All-Merciful. Strive to the utmost not to separate from the daughter of …, for the one true God desireth harmony, while discord is contrary to His good-pleasure. He desireth union, not division, and wisheth for connection, not separation. The most favourable of all conditions is harmony and love. However, if this is in no wise possible, and complete aversion hath arisen, then separation is permissible. Strive, therefore, with all thy might, for unity, not division.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [42]
O thou dear handmaid of God! Render thanks unto God that the means of reconciliation and fellowship with thine esteemed spouse have been established. The news of thy return to Mr. … hath made me exceedingly happy, for in the sight of God naught is more beloved than harmony and concord, while nothing is more abhorrent than estrangement and separation. Praised be God that love and harmony have been re-established between you. I was deeply gladdened.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [43]
Formerly in Persia divorce was very easily obtained. Among the people of the past Dispensation a trifling matter would cause divorce. However, as the light of the Kingdom shone forth, souls were quickened by the spirit of Bahá’u’lláh, then they totally eschewed divorce. In Persia now divorce doth not take place among the friends, unless a compelling reason existeth which maketh harmony impossible. Under such rare circumstances some cases of divorce take place.
Now the friends in America must live and conduct themselves in this way. They must strictly refrain from divorce unless something ariseth which compelleth them to separate because of their aversion for each other, in that case with the knowledge of the Spiritual Assembly they may decide to separate. They must then be patient and wait one complete year. If during this year, harmony is not re-established between them, then their divorce may be realized. It should not happen that upon the occurrence of a slight friction or displeasure between husband and wife, the husband would think of union with some other woman, or, God forbid, the wife also think of another husband. This is contrary to the standard of heavenly value and true chastity. The friends of God must so live and conduct themselves, and evince such excellence of character and conduct, as to make others astonished. The love between husband and wife must not be purely physical, nay, rather, it must be spiritual and heavenly. These two souls should be considered as one soul. How difficult it would be to divide a single soul! Nay, great would be the difficulty!
In short, the foundation of the Kingdom of God is based upon harmony and love, oneness, relationship and union, not upon differences, especially between husband and wife. If one of these two becometh the cause of divorce, that one will unquestionably fall into great difficulties, will become the victim of formidable calamities and experience deep remorse.
(‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a Tablet—translated from the Persian) [44]
Divorce is, according to the Aqdas, permissible. But it is discouraged. Both the husband and wife have equal right to ask for divorce, and whenever either of them feels it absolutely essential to do so. Divorce becomes valid even if one of the parties refuses to accept it, and after one year of separation, during which period the husband is under the obligation of providing for his wife and children.
(From a letter dated 6 July 1935 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [45]
The Guardian has received your letter … and has learned with deep concern of your family difficulties and troubles. He wishes me to assure you of his fervent prayers on your behalf and on behalf of your dear ones at home, that you may be guided and assisted from on High to compose your differences and to restore complete harmony and fellowship in your midst. While he would urge you to make any sacrifice in order to bring about unity in your family, he wishes you not to feel discouraged if your endeavours do not yield any immediate fruit. You should do your part with absolute faith that in doing so you are fulfilling your duty as a Bahá’í. The rest is assuredly in God’s hand.
(From a letter dated 23 July 1937 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [46]
The Guardian is in receipt of your letter … and has learned with deep concern of the state of disharmony existing between you and your husband.
While he wishes me to assure you that he will pray for the solution of your domestic troubles, he would urge you to endeavour, by every means in your power, to compose your differences, and not to allow them to reach such proportions as to lead to your complete and final separation from your husband.
For while, according to the Bahá’í law, divorce is permissible, yet it is highly discouraged, and should be resorted to only when every effort to prevent it has proved to be vain and ineffective.
It is for you, and for Mr. … as well, to ponder carefully over the spiritual implications which any act of divorce on either part would involve, and, strengthened by the power of faith and confident in the blessings which strict adherence to the principles and laws of Bahá’u’lláh is bound to confer upon every one of His faithful followers, to make a fresh resolve to solve your common difficulties and to restore the harmony, peace and happiness of your family life.
(From a letter dated 11 September 1938 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [47]
The situation facing you is admittedly difficult and delicate, but no less grave and indeed vital are the responsibilities which it entails and which, as a faithful and loyal believer, you should conscientiously and thoroughly assume.5 The Guardian, therefore, while fully alive to the special circumstances of your case, and however profound his sympathy may be for you in this challenging issue with which you are so sadly faced, cannot, in view of the emphatic injunctions contained in the Teachings, either sanction your demand to contract a second marriage while your first wife is still alive and is united with you in the sacred bonds of matrimony, or even suggest or approve that you divorce her just in order to be permitted to marry a new one.
For the Bahá’í Teachings do not only preclude the possibility of bigamy, but also, while permitting divorce, consider it a reprehensible act, which should be resorted to only in exceptional circumstances, and when grave issues are involved, transcending such considerations as physical attraction or sexual compatibility and harmony. The institution of marriage, as established by Bahá’u’lláh, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted by God.
The Guardian will most fervently pray that, inspired and guided by such a divine standard, and strengthened by Bahá’u’lláh’s unfailing assistance and confirmations, you may be able to satisfactorily adjust your relations with the persons concerned, and thus reach the one right solution to this assuredly challenging problem of your life.
(From a letter dated 8 May 1939 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [48]
… he indeed feels rejoiced at the happy news of the settlement of your domestic differences with Mrs. … and particularly to know that you have jointly undertaken a most successful teaching tour…. This bond of common service to the Cause which is so closely uniting your hearts and has proved such an effective solution of your personal problems, he hopes, and indeed will fervently pray, will be further cemented by the passing of years and through your increased and joint participation in the teaching work….
(From a letter dated 16 December 1940 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [49]
Bahá’u’lláh has laid great emphasis on the sanctity of marriage, and the believers should exert their utmost to create harmony in their homes and a situation which at least is not bad for their children. But if, after prayer and self-sacrificing effort, this proves quite impossible, then they may resort to divorce.
The Guardian will pray for you and your husband that the way may open for you to find a better relationship, and that he may cease to be so violently opposed to the Cause.
He would suggest that in any action separating you from your husband you take into consideration the feelings of your children as well. He will also pray for them, that they may grow up firm in the Faith.
(From a letter dated 10 November 1943 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [50]
He feels that you and your wife should do everything in your power to produce a harmonious relationship between you and avoid divorce by all means, if possible. The Bahá’í attitude is that marriage is a very serious and sacred relationship and divorce a last resort to be avoided if humanly possible.
(From a letter dated 10 August 1945 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [51]
He was very sorry to hear that you and your husband are still so unhappy together. It is always a source of sorrow in life when married people cannot get on well together, but the Guardian feels that you and your husband, in contemplating divorce, should think of the future of your children and how this major step on your part will influence their lives and happiness.
If you feel the need of advice and consultation he suggests you consult your Local Assembly; your fellow Bahá’ís will surely do all they can to counsel and help you, protect your interests and those of the Cause.
(From a letter dated 16 November 1945 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [52]
The Guardian has the impression that your husband is a fine man, and he is very pleased to hear you two are arranging to be reunited. He feels very strongly that Bahá’ís, if possible, more especially Bahá’ís who serve the Cause as actively and conspicuously as you and your family do, should set the newer believers and the young Bahá’ís a high example in every way. As Bahá’u’lláh was so very much against divorce (even though He permits it) and considered marriage a most sacred responsibility, believers should do everything in their power to preserve the marriages they have contracted, and to make of them exemplary unions, governed by the noblest motives.
(From a letter dated 19 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [53]
Bahá’u’lláh has clearly stated the consent of all living parents is required for a Bahá’í marriage. This applies whether the parents are Bahá’ís or non-Bahá’ís, divorced for years or not. This great law He has laid down to strengthen the social fabric, to knit closer the ties of the home, to place a certain gratitude and respect in the hearts of children for those who have given them life and sent their souls out on the eternal journey towards their Creator. We Bahá’ís must realize that in present-day society the exact opposite process is taking place: young people care less and less for their parents’ wishes, divorce is considered a natural right, and obtained on the flimsiest and most unwarrantable and shabby pretexts. People separated from each other, especially if one of them has had full custody of the children, are only too willing to belittle the importance of the partner in marriage also responsible as a parent for bringing those children into this world. The Bahá’ís must, through rigid adherence to the Bahá’í laws and teachings, combat these corrosive forces which are so rapidly destroying home life and the beauty of family relationships, and tearing down the moral structure of society.
(From a letter dated 25 October 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly) [54]
There is no doubt about it that the believers in America, probably unconsciously influenced by the extremely lax morals prevalent and the flippant attitude towards divorce which seems to be increasingly prevailing, do not take divorce seriously enough and do not seem to grasp the fact that although Bahá’u’lláh has permitted it, He has only permitted it as a last resort and strongly condemns it.
The presence of children, as a factor in divorce, cannot be ignored, for surely it places an even greater weight of moral responsibility on the man and wife in considering such a step. Divorce under such circumstances no longer just concerns them and their desires and feelings but also concerns the children’s entire future and their own attitude towards marriage.
As to whether you and Mr. … should now divorce: this is a matter which so intimately concerns you both, your children, and your future that he does not feel he can do more than point out to you what he has stated above. The decision must rest with you both.
(From a letter dated 19 December 1947 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [55]
Divorce should be avoided most strictly by the believers, and only under rare and urgent circumstances be resorted to. Modern society is criminally lax as to the sacred nature of marriage, and the believers must combat this trend assiduously.
(From a letter dated 5 January 1948 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [56]
It is a great pity that two believers, united in this glorious Cause, and blessed with a family, should not be able to live together really harmoniously, and he feels you should take constructive action and not allow the situation to get worse. When the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality.
He urges you both to devote more of your time to teaching the Cause and to pray together that Bahá’u’lláh may give you a real and lasting love for each other.
(From a letter dated 5 July 1949 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [57]
He was very sorry to hear that you are contemplating separation from your husband. As you no doubt know, Bahá’u’lláh considers the marriage bond very sacred; and only under very exceptional and unbearable circumstances is divorce advisable for Bahá’ís.
The Guardian does not tell you that you must not divorce your husband; but he does urge you to consider prayerfully, not only because you are a believer and anxious to obey the laws of God, but also for the sake of the happiness of your children, whether it is not possible for you to rise above the limitations you have felt in your marriage hitherto, and make a go of it together.
We often feel that our happiness lies in a certain direction; and yet, if we have to pay too heavy a price for it in the end we may discover that we have not really purchased either freedom or happiness, but just some new situation of frustration and disillusion.
(From a letter dated 5 April 1951 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [58]
He feels that you should by all means make every effort to hold your marriage together, especially for the sake of your children, who, like all children of divorced parents, cannot but suffer from conflicting loyalties, for they are deprived of the blessing of a father and mother in one home, to look after their interests and love them jointly.
Now that you realize that your husband is ill, you should be able to reconcile yourself to the difficulties you have faced with him emotionally, and not take an unforgiving attitude, however much you may suffer.
We know that Bahá’u’lláh has very strongly frowned upon divorce; and it is really incumbent upon the Bahá’ís to make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Bahá’í marriage to be dissolved.
(From a letter dated 6 March 1953 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [59]
He has been very sorry to hear that your marriage seems to have failed utterly. I need not tell you as a Bahá’í that every effort should be made by any Bahá’í to salvage their marriage for the sake of God, rather than for their own sake. In the case of pioneers, it is even more important, because they are before the public eye. However, in such matters it is neither befitting nor right that the Guardian should bring pressure on individuals. He can only appeal to you and … to try again; but if you cannot rise to this test, that is naturally a personal matter.
(From a letter dated 13 January 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer) [60]
Wherever there is a Bahá’í family, those concerned should by all means do all they can to preserve it, because divorce is strongly condemned in the Teachings, whereas harmony, unity and love are held up as the highest ideals in human relationships. This must always apply to the Bahá’ís, whether they are serving in the pioneering field or not.
(From a letter dated 9 November 1956 written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to a National Spiritual Assembly) [61]
If antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the husband or the wife, divorce is permissible, only after the lapse of one full year.
(“Synopsis and Codification of the Laws and Ordinances of the Kitáb-i-Aqdas”, in The Kitáb-i-Aqdas: The Most Holy Book, item IV.C.2.b.) [62]
In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá’u’lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.
Bahá’u’lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives.
(From a letter dated 1 August 1978 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [63]
There are a number of Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá addressed to Bahá’ís who had husbands who did not accept the Faith, and in them He encourages the Bahá’í to be patient and understanding and to increase her love and consideration for the husband. This does not mean, of course, that the Bahá’í should in any way renounce her faith, but it may mean a modification of the amount or nature of her Bahá’í activities to ensure that family responsibilities are fully attended to. Quite often a non-Bahá’í husband, although not accepting the Faith, has sufficient affection for his wife and respect for the Faith to assume extra responsibilities in the home so that his wife will have more time for her Bahá’í activities, but she should not insist that he do this, and should always bear in mind that fostering the unity of her family is in itself a Bahá’í duty. The same principles, of course, apply to a husband whose wife is not a Bahá’í.
(From a letter dated 25 January 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly) [64]
Your letter … describing the difficulties confronting your family distressed the Universal House of Justice and we are requested to convey the following to you.
Noting that you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your oldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations.
(From a letter dated 24 June 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [65]
Irreconcilable antipathy arising between the parties to a marriage is not merely a lack of love for one’s spouse but an antipathy which cannot be resolved. It is for the Spiritual Assembly to decide whether this condition exists before it sets the date for the beginning of the year of waiting, and this it may do on the application of one of the parties. It is not affected by the other party’s not wishing to apply for a divorce.
The date for the beginning of the year of waiting having been fixed, it is the obligation of the parties to make every effort to reconcile their differences and to try to preserve the marriage. The Spiritual Assembly has the obligation to offer them every assistance in this regard….
Obviously, seeking the assistance of one’s Spiritual Assembly is a part of the Bahá’í divorce procedure, and the parties concerned should consult with the Assembly about their problems. It is within the discretion of the parties, or either of them, to also avail themselves of professional marriage counsellors.
(From a letter dated 12 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [66]
Your letter of … to the Universal House of Justice makes clear that you are seeking to re-establish your marriage through study of the Writings and through various modes of consultation and assistance. We are asked to convey its advice on this vital subject of reconciliation of partners in marriage in the context of understanding yourself and your relationship to others.
You are urged to persevere in your studies, in your prayers for resolution of your problems, and in your meditation which may provide guidance and confidence, inasmuch as the understanding of self and of relationships to others are contained in the writings and in the example of the Master, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá.
Neither you nor your husband should hesitate to continue consulting professional marriage counsellors, individually and together if possible, and also to take advantage of the supportive counselling which can come from wise and mature friends. Non-Bahá’í counselling can be useful but it is usually necessary to temper it with Bahá’í insight.
You ask how to deal with anger. The House of Justice suggests that you call to mind the admonitions found in our Writings on the need to overlook the shortcomings of others; to forgive and conceal their misdeeds, not to expose their bad qualities, but to search for and affirm their praiseworthy ones, and to endeavor to be always forbearing, patient, and merciful. Such passages as the following extracts from letters written on behalf of the beloved Guardian will be helpful:
“There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation…. You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Bahá’u’lláh to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else.”
“… Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being ‘perfect as our heavenly father is perfect’ and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will-power and energy….”
(From a letter dated 17 July 1979 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [67]
Concerning the definition of the term “aversion” in relation to Bahá’í divorce law, the Universal House of Justice points out that there are no specific “grounds” for Bahá’í divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law. Bahá’í law permits divorce but, as both Bahá’u’lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá have made very clear, divorce is abhorred. Thus, from the point of view of the individual believer he should do all he can to refrain from divorce. Bahá’ís should be profoundly aware of the sanctity of marriage and should strive to make their marriages an eternal bond of unity and harmony. This requires effort and sacrifice and wisdom and self-abnegation. A Bahá’í should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner. This is the standard held up to the individual. It is not a law, but an exhortation. It is a goal to which we should strive.
From the point of view of the Spiritual Assembly, however, the matter is somewhat different. The Spiritual Assembly should always be concerned that the believers in its community are being deepened in their understanding of the Bahá’í concept of marriage, especially the young people, so that the very thought of divorce will be abhorrent to them. When an application for divorce is made to a Spiritual Assembly, its first thought and action should be to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Bahá’í teachings on the matter. God willing, the Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started. However, if the Assembly finds that it is unable to persuade the party concerned to withdraw the application for divorce, it must conclude that, from its point of view, there appears to be an irreconcilable antipathy, and it has no alternative to setting the date for the beginning of the year of waiting. During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their differences, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. But if the year of waiting comes to an end without reconciliation the Bahá’í divorce must be granted as at the date of the granting of the civil divorce if this has not already taken place.
It can be seen, therefore, that “aversion” is not a specific legal term that needs to be defined. Indeed a number of other terms are used in describing the situation that can lead to divorce in Bahá’í law, such as “antipathy”, “resentment”, “estrangement”, “impossibility of establishing harmony” and “irreconcilability”. The texts, however, point out that divorce is strongly condemned, should be viewed as “a last resort” when “rare and urgent circumstances” exist, and that the partner who is the “cause of divorce” will “unquestionably” become the “victim of formidable calamities”.
(From a letter dated 3 November 1982 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [68]
The House of Justice advises you to continue the strenuous efforts you are making to overcome the difficulties in your marriage. It is pleased to note that you and your husband have turned to the Local Spiritual Assembly for guidance and have sought help from a Bahá’í who is a marriage counsellor. Such endeavours, when combined with a strong and determined effort, improve greatly the prospects that your marriage can be maintained. However, it must also be borne in mind that the fact that Bahá’u’lláh has permitted divorce is, no doubt, an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable. If your earnest efforts to maintain your marriage do not yield the desired result, you should not be distraught.
(From a letter dated 28 April 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [69]
The House of Justice is distressed to learn that you and your husband are continuing to experience marital difficulties. It has frequently advised believers in such situations to turn to the Spiritual Assemblies for advice and counsel, and to follow this advice in their efforts to preserve the unity of their marital relationship. It has been found useful in many instances to also seek the assistance of competent professional marriage counsellors, who can provide useful insights and guidance in the use of constructive measures to bring about a greater degree of unity.
(From a letter dated 17 July 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [70]
There have been many instances in which a couple has, through a consecrated and determined effort, aided by the power of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in overcoming seemingly insuperable obstacles to their reconciliation and in reconstructing a strong foundation for their marriage. There are also innumerable examples of individuals who have been able to effect drastic and enduring changes in their behavior, through drawing on the spiritual powers available by the bounty of God.
(From a letter dated 6 August 1989 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [71]
… the stress laid in the statements of Bahá’u’lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá on love and harmony as the hallmark of marriage, and in view of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the others, makes it clear that violence in the family is contrary to the spirit of the Faith and a practice to be condemned.
It is clear that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá’í writings—a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will. When a Bahá’í wife finds herself in such a situation and feels it cannot be resolved through consultation with her husband, she could well turn to the Local Spiritual Assembly for advice and guidance, and might also find it highly advantageous to seek the assistance of competent professional counsellors. If the husband is also a Bahá’í, the Local Spiritual Assembly can bring to his attention the need to avoid abusive behaviour and can, if necessary, take firmer measures to compel him to conform to the admonitions of the teachings.
There is no obligation on a wife, who is being subjected to beating by her husband, to continue living with him; she has the freedom to leave him and live in a separate domicile if she feels it necessary to do so.
(From a letter dated 12 April 1990 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly) [72]
The House of Justice was saddened to learn about the difficulties you are experiencing in your marriage. It is indeed disheartening to have someone you love become disenchanted with the Faith which you hold so dear. In these circumstances you are advised to consult with your wife to try to establish guidelines that will promote mutual respect for the other’s beliefs and ideas, and come to some agreement so that the attitudes and behaviour of each one will not impinge on the other’s rights to differing opinions. The marital relationship should not be burdened by one partner’s undue expectations in regard to the other, based on beliefs and desires which that other partner does not share. Although sharing of faith is naturally desirable, it sometimes does not occur, and in such circumstances, even greater care and understanding are required to maintain a healthy marriage relationship.
To resign from the Cause would be a dissimulation of faith since you still believe in Bahá’u’lláh; therefore it could have no positive effect on your marriage. To make a compromise of such magnitude would be morally wrong, and rob you not only of your self-respect but also the ultimate respect of your wife. You are strongly urged not to allow her present antagonism to erode your own beliefs nor to lead to an adversarial position toward her. It should still be quite possible for you to maintain a loving and caring relationship with your wife while always keeping intact the integrity of your own belief and your relationship with Bahá’u’lláh. As you rely on prayer and the study of the Holy Writings, you will grow in strength and become better equipped to handle any criticism which may be leveled against you or the Faith.
The fact that your … children are Bahá’ís should be a source of great comfort to you and also a reason for supreme gratitude to Bahá’u’lláh. He has blessed your life and theirs by granting you the privilege of recognition, and your response in this present difficulty may well be a means of showing the steadfastness of your love for Him. Your challenge is to find that path of service to the Faith which will still preserve the unity of your marriage. You can certainly continue your devotional obligations of prayer and reading of the Holy Writings, you can give to the Fund, participate to the degree possible in the life of the Bahá’í community, and teach the Faith. You are encouraged to exert every effort to reach some agreement with your wife as to the range of activities for each of you which is acceptable as you pursue your respective commitments and interests.
(From a letter dated 1 January 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [73]
Beyond any professional assistance available to you is, of course, the assistance of God and that assistance one receives from the Faith through prayer, teaching, regular study of the Writings, obeying the ordinances of the Faith, and steadfast perseverance in upholding His Covenant.
(From a letter dated 27 April 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [74]
Bahá’u’lláh has ordained the family to be a fundamental institution for the organization of society, and has encouraged the believers to build strong and healthy families. This task is not an easy one, and presents a particular type of difficulty when the spouses are of two different religions.
It is the view of the House of Justice that, when differences arise between parents regarding the religious education of children, husband and wife must respect each other’s right to educate the children in their respective religions. You mention in your letter that your husband has said that having parents of different religions is confusing for children. This is undoubtedly true but it is a challenge to both parents to gain a deeper understanding of the oneness of all God’s revelations. Whether or not the non-Bahá’í partner is willing to make this effort, the Bahá’í partner cannot in good conscience surrender the obligation of sharing the Faith with his or her child. He or she is also enjoined to allow an equal right to the non-Bahá’í spouse. Since you and your husband knew of each other’s beliefs before marrying, and as you are both reasonable persons, the House of Justice does not see any reason why such an arrangement should not work.
Your letter suggests that your husband hopes that you will convert to Islam, and it also indicates your own desire that he recognize Bahá’u’lláh. While these attitudes are understandable, they should never become an impediment to the unity of your marriage. Your husband may never come to recognize Bahá’u’lláh. You, for your part, can never deny Him. This should not prevent the two of you from having a good and happy family life. The House of Justice hopes that you will show great love to your husband, that you will pray fervently for him, and that you will be the best of helpmates. If he wishes to be Muslim, you should help him to be an exemplary Muslim. The House of Justice feels that such an attitude will greatly facilitate the ongoing consultations which you need to have with your husband on the topic of your son’s religious education.
(From a letter dated 15 November 1993 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [75]
The question, “Does God ever want divorce?” is one which ought perhaps to be framed differently, since the key point to consider in such cases is not so much a matter of whether God would ever “want” divorce as the practical issue of when it is appropriate for a married couple, or one of the parties to a marriage, to decide to separate. The answer cannot be dispensed simply, because it depends on a variety of factors that need to be considered in the context of a particular, concrete situation.
(From a letter dated 25 October 1995 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [76]
For the couple themselves, the year of waiting provides a possibility for each party patiently and independently to assess their situation at a distance removed from the aggravating interferences of close proximity and to devise the measures of a fresh approach towards mending the strained relationship. There have been many instances in which a couple has, through a consecrated and determined effort, aided by the power of prayer and the advice of experts, succeeded in overcoming seemingly insuperable obstacles to their reconciliation and in reconstructing a strong foundation for their marriage. There are also innumerable examples of individuals who have been able to effect drastic and enduring changes in their behaviour, through drawing on the spiritual powers available by the bounty of God….
It is clear then that, in the Bahá’í Faith, divorce is strongly discouraged and should be resorted to only when a prolonged effort to effect reconciliation has been unsuccessful. However, it should also be noted that the fact that Bahá’u’lláh has permitted divorce is, no doubt, an indication that in certain circumstances it is unavoidable. In other words, it is permissible when an irreconcilable antipathy exists between the two parties to a marriage.
(From a letter dated 2 September 1996 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [77]
The House of Justice deeply sympathizes with you in the difficulties which you have described in your letter, stemming from your husband’s history of family violence and drug use. It noted with approval that you have sought professional psychological assistance to address this matter, and is hopeful that your husband will persevere in his efforts to achieve healing and to modify his destructive behaviour. In addition, you are encouraged to approach the local Bahá’í institutions, such as your Local Spiritual Assembly, Auxiliary Board member and/or National Spiritual Assembly, for spiritual support and guidance.
The courage and love with which you have acknowledged this painful situation and are striving to assist your husband are warmly commended. The House of Justice is concerned by your statement that your husband has been mistreating you and that there may be danger of physical violence. It is evident from the Bahá’í teachings that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, and that such reprehensible action is the antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined in the Writings—a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of force to compel obedience to one’s will. While a Bahá’í is enjoined to be patient and forbearing, one is not obliged to remain indefinitely in a situation where one is being subjected to abuse. Thus, it may be advisable to seek practical guidance as to what measures you could take to protect yourself from harm if the situation were to deteriorate markedly. The House of Justice deeply hopes it will not come to this, and that you and your dear husband will find the means to repair the foundation of your marriage to establish a framework of cordial unity.
(From a letter dated 16 April 1998 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [78]
The House of Justice is of the opinion that unhappiness in marriage and in the family is a symptom of a whole range of shortcomings in the way of life followed by most people at this time—shortcomings which are reflected to too great a degree within the Bahá’í community. Paying more attention, and devoting more time, to the choice of a spouse is but one aspect of the solution. Bahá’ís need to study more deeply and carry out more faithfully all the guidance for life and behaviour which is contained in the Revelation of Bahá’u’lláh—including those teachings which relate especially to marriage and the family.
(From a letter dated 18 January 1999 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [79]
The Bahá’í teachings on the sacredness of the marriage bond and the importance of family unity are clear, and your desire to uphold this principle through your perseverance and dedication to your marriage is praiseworthy. As ‘Abdu’l-Bahá tells us, a husband and wife should be “… two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.” Therefore, if your husband is willing to be chaste and faithful in his conduct, the House of Justice encourages you to support and assist him in his efforts to be obedient to the laws of Bahá’u’lláh and committed to his family. The following extract from a letter written on behalf of the beloved Guardian may be helpful.
There are qualities in everyone which we can appreciate and admire, and for which we can love them; and perhaps, if you determine to think only of these qualities which your husband possesses, this will help to improve the situation…. You should turn your thoughts away from the things which upset you, and constantly pray to Bahá’u’lláh to help you. Then you will find how that pure love, enkindled by God, which burns in the soul when we read and study the Teachings, will warm and heal, more than anything else.
However, providing assistance and encouragement to your husband should not entail compromising your dignity or integrity as a Bahá’í and a partner in the marriage. Further, it is important to remember that while you can try to help your husband, in the end it is he who is responsible for his own spiritual development.
(From a letter dated 29 September 1999 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [80]
The depth of the concern you express—and the distress your present situation is causing you—are both readily understandable in the light of the great importance that the Bahá’í teachings attach to the relationship that Bahá’í partners must seek to establish in their marriage. You are doubtless familiar with the words of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá on this subject:
The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God.
(Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, section 86)
Inevitably, the struggle to attain so great a goal poses comparable challenges to the patterns of habit and attitude that individuals bring into their married life. In this respect, your personal situation, while intensely painful for you in many of its specifics, is not intrinsically different from that of the rest of humanity. The intimacy of the marriage relationship—and the inescapable demand for self-sacrifice that this relationship always entails—has exposed to you various of your inner weaknesses that would very likely have come to light in no other way. The fact that these shortcomings endanger the most precious tie that can bind one human being to another makes the experience all the more intense.
This very development, however, can be a great blessing, if you are able to see it in this way and respond accordingly. As nothing else in your life has been able to do, the crisis you describe has the capacity to tap the roots of motivation for fundamental change. This is, more often than not, the means that God employs to open us to His Will. In the words of the Master:
To the sincere ones, tests are as a gift from God, the Exalted, for a heroic person hasteneth, with the utmost joy and gladness, to the tests of a violent battlefield…. Likewise, the pure gold shineth radiantly in the fire of test…. This test is just as thou hast written: it removeth the rust of egotism from the mirror of the heart until the Sun of Truth may shine therein. For, no veil is greater than egotism and no matter how thin that covering may be, yet it will finally veil man entirely and prevent him from receiving a portion from the eternal bounty.
(Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, volume III, pp. 722–3)
The House of Justice urges that, for the time being, you lay all of your entirely understandable concerns about the future of your marriage in the hands of Bahá’u’lláh, detaching yourself as fully as possible from the immediate focus of your concern, so that you can turn your attention wholeheartedly to the opportunity now presented to you to nurture those undeveloped qualities within you whose mature expression the circumstances of your life so urgently call for. You will want to advise your wife of the decision you have made and seek her own prayers for your confirmation in it.
You are indeed blessed to have come to the point in your life where you are able candidly to admit to yourself your failings. Having done so, it will be equally important that you do not dwell on your shortcomings themselves since, as Bahá’u’lláh makes clear, “abasement” is in no way conducive to spiritual growth. Your attention and your prayers should be resolutely concentrated on the power of Bahá’u’lláh to help you find new ways to respond to life.
(From a letter dated 4 September 2000 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [81]
It is clear from the problems you have described that there is a need for sympathetic communication between you and your husband. This can be achieved through love and respect for each other and patient understanding. Our Bahá’í teachings concerning marriage also underscore the importance of tenderness between husband and wife. Consultation provides a means through which these qualities can be practiced to great advantage, and it is hoped that you will find a way to engage in such consultation with your husband.
(From a letter dated 6 May 2001 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [82]
There is no objection to a couple being separated for a period of time without asking for the year of patience to be set.
(From a letter dated 31 July 2002 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [83]
Differences of attitude often arise in a marriage and have to be worked out if the marriage is to flourish. This is so whether the partners are of the same or different religions.
(From a letter dated 4 October 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [84]
It is clearly evident from the Bahá’í Teachings that no husband should subject his wife to abuse of any kind, whether emotional, mental or physical. Such a reprehensible action would be the very antithesis of the relationship of mutual respect and equality enjoined by the Bahá’í Writings—a relationship governed by the principles of consultation and devoid of the use of any form of abuse, including force, to compel obedience to one’s will.
Whether or not you should divorce your husband depends entirely on your own feelings and judgment in the matter. While the Teachings condemn divorce and urge the preservation of marriage, they do acknowledge the necessity of divorce in extreme circumstances. A believer should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner.
(From a letter dated 11 November 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [85]
Your desire to consult with your Local Spiritual Assembly in an effort to find a solution to your marital problems reflects your willingness to take advantage of the divine arrangement ordained by Bahá’u’lláh for attending to matters affecting the life of members of His community. However, if your wife is opposed to this action, and you are unable through appeals to her to change her mind, it may be best to attempt to find another approach towards finding a resolution to these difficulties. Perhaps there are wise believers in the community whose judgment she may trust and she would be agreeable to join you in consulting with one or two of these individuals; or she may prefer that you see a professional counsellor with expertise in dealing with marital issues.
In situations of this kind, it is often very challenging for partners to consult with each other, but it is unhealthy for both if serious conflicts are left unresolved. See whether you can, after prayer and meditation, attempt again to convey to your wife the deep need you feel for a fuller consultation on your issues, and seek her suggestion as to how she feels an approach to a solution should be made, and attempt to win her agreement that you consult with a suitable person, one she may well be able to recommend.
(From a letter dated 14 November 2004 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [86]
Your letter raises questions about remaining married when a couple is unable to have children and about divorce and marriage to another spouse for the purpose of having a family. In response to questions raised by other believers who found themselves unable to have children, the House of Justice has pointed out that the teachings of our Faith indicate that a Bahá’í couple should be willing and open to the possibility of having children; nevertheless, it is recognized that not all couples are physically able to have children. It must be kept in mind that procreation, though the primary purpose, is not the sole purpose of marriage, and a couple unable to have children of their own should not feel any guilt of failure, for they can find fulfilment in their lives through other avenues of service to God and humanity and through the enduring unity they establish in their marital relationship.
The House of Justice points out that one cannot fathom the wisdom of God. Many times that which the heart desires proves not to be in one’s best interests, and many times that which appears as an unbearable test proves in time to be a path to great happiness.
You should also bear in mind that, in the teachings of the Faith, adopting a child is held to be a highly meritorious act. The passages provided below from the Kitáb-i-Aqdas and a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi affirm this principle.
He that bringeth up his son or the son of another, it is as though he hath brought up a son of Mine; upon him rest My glory, My loving-kindness, My mercy, that have compassed the world.
(The Kitáb-i-Aqdas, paragraph 48)
It was a pleasure to Shoghi Effendi to receive your letter of May 26th and to hear about your adopted children. This is a truly Bahá’í act especially as it was often lauded both by Bahá’u’lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, and the Guardian trusts that they will grow to become Bahá’í workers, and thus repay your kind generosity.
(20 June 1931 to an individual)
(From a letter dated 27 December 2005 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [87]
It is also pleasing to note from your letter that both of you have turned to your Local Spiritual Assembly for support and counsel, and you are urged to follow the sound advice that has been offered to you. We must be ever mindful that only through immersion in the ocean of the utterances of the Blessed Beauty and the daily struggle to translate His teachings into reality can we come to a greater understanding of God’s will for us and achieve our purpose in life. Forbearance, patience, perseverance, mature consultation and love will assist you both in addressing the challenges that arise in your marriage.
(From a letter dated 16 April 2006 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [88]
Although the breakdown of a marriage relationship may sometimes be precipitated by one single action, it is often the result of a series of events over an extended period which erode the trust and confidence between the marriage partners. Hence one must exercise caution and restraint in seeking to identify the cause of divorce or to assign responsibility for it exclusively to one of the parties. Rather the effort should more productively be expended on ensuring that the necessary endeavour is made to see whether reconciliation can be effected. Should that not be possible, one should be aware that, in the Bahá’í teachings, divorce is permissible and provisions are made for it.
(From a letter dated 22 December 2006 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [89]
The Universal House of Justice has received your email message … inquiring whether the Bahá’í Writings indicate a believer should rise above a situation of adultery in order to save his or her marriage. We have been asked to convey the following.
To date, nothing has been found in the Writings of the Central Figures of the Faith or letters written by or on behalf of Shoghi Effendi that specifically addresses the question you have raised. However, as you are probably aware, under Bahá’í law, divorce is permissible if antipathy or resentment develop on the part of either the husband or the wife. In this connection, the House of Justice has explained that there are “a large number of possible causes for such an attitude to occur between a married couple, among which is included adultery by one of the marriage partners. It is also possible that, if adultery occurs, a combination of remorse on the part of the marriage partner involved and forgiveness and magnanimity on the part of the other partner could result in a condition in which the marriage could be preserved and divorce avoided.”
(From a letter dated 7 December 2016 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [90]
As to your broader request for guidance regarding how Bahá’í married couples may deal with sexual problems, you are encouraged to consider the following perspectives and principles. One of the outcomes of the rising tide of materialism and consequent reorientation of society, over more than a century, has been a destructive emphasis on sexuality. Sexuality has become a preoccupation, pervading commerce, media, the arts, and popular culture, influencing disciplines such as medicine, psychology, and education, and reducing the human being to an object. It is no longer merely a part of life but has become the defining element of a person’s identity. Thus, our civilization has exalted sex and sexuality to a level of importance far beyond its proper place in our lives. Sex has also been wrenched out of its proper context. On the one hand, our current culture suffuses every aspect of our lives with sex, but on the other, it isolates the sex act from its natural corollaries of marital life and the bearing and rearing of children.
You are aware that the Bahá’í Faith recognizes the value of the sex impulse and holds that the institution of marriage has been established as the channel of its rightful expression. In letters written on his behalf, Shoghi Effendi made the following statements: “The sex instinct, like all other human instincts, is not necessarily evil. It is a power which, if properly directed, can bring joy and satisfaction to the individual.” Further, the Bahá’í standard “does not preclude the living of a perfectly normal sex life in its legitimate channel of marriage.” With regard to the importance that should be placed on the physical aspect of marriage in comparison to its moral and spiritual aspects, a letter written on behalf of the Guardian stated:
The institution of marriage, as established by Bahá’u’lláh, while giving due importance to the physical aspect of marital union, considers it as subordinate to the moral and spiritual purposes and functions with which it has been invested by an all-wise and loving Providence. Only when these different values are given each their due importance, and only on the basis of the subordination of the physical to the moral, and the carnal to the spiritual, can such excesses and laxity in marital relations as our decadent age is so sadly witnessing be avoided, and family life be restored to its original purity, and fulfil the true function for which it has been instituted by God.
Bahá’ís are, understandably, influenced by the forces of society, including contemporary beliefs about sexual practices. As believers come to more deeply understand the principles that have been set forth in the Bahá’í teachings, they will be able to obtain a more balanced and healthier view of sexual relations within marriage. That itself will help Bahá’í married couples to avoid or to resolve many difficulties in a world with an exaggerated emphasis on, and distorted view of, sex. Of course, a number of sexual problems can well have medical aspects, and in such cases recourse should certainly be had to the best medical assistance. Moreover, a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi explained: “Sex is a very individual matter,” and “some people are more passionate by nature than others”.
(From a letter dated 17 April 2017 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [91]
The Universal House of Justice has received your email letter … requesting guidance and prayers in relation to your marriage, which you describe has been affected by your husband’s substance abuse problem….
As to the question of whether a breach of Bahá’í law leading to the breakdown of a marriage justifies divorce, in the Bahá’í writings there are no specific grounds for divorce such as there are in some codes of civil law. A Bahá’í is expected to make a supreme effort to preserve a marriage, but divorce is permitted in Bahá’í law, and in certain situations it may be the only solution. A believer should consider the possibility of divorce only if the situation is intolerable and he or she has a strong aversion to being married to the other partner. Whether your situation is one in which you feel you are justified in applying for divorce is a decision only you can make in light of prayerful consideration of the factors involved.
(From a letter dated 6 December 2017 written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer) [92]